Idk if I’m reblogging properly cuz I’m using a children’s kindle n this looks weird but omg ik I actually refused to listen to wrecking ball for awhile but that was basically unavoidable n I liked it so much I eventually listened to bangerz its such a good album at first I felt like ilovebangerz:(((( but its a collaborative effort even if it has Mileys name on it I just allow myself to love it p enthusiastically now (apart from like we can’t stop n like 2 other songs like her heartbreak/devotion songs r rlly good like if I try to sing along if I’m alone i always get choked up)
honestly wish miley cyrus had not started being such a careless/unconscientious person because “adore you” makes me feel so nice i really like it. it’s like with “”wrecking ball” they make me feel emotional
I’m going to the doctor in an hour to talk about suicide lmfao and I’m so freaking tired of doctors and the way I’m always treated by doctors and I feel so nervous and terrified so IDK if I should approach this in a sassy way and make it clear at the start idgaf about their personal opinions on suicide or depression and i don’t want to hear them at all at any point like literally say “first of all i couldn’t care less about your personal opinions on suicide and i don’t want to hear it”
ir lly think u should if u can i always want to say something abt along those lines like ive like trained myself i had i whole speech but i just sit there n speak only when spoken too n idk i hate doctors so much i’ve nvr not felt awful i always feel like physically it’s like im rlly ashamed of myself like the same physical reaction of shame like crying or heating up or feeling shaky n sweaty but not emotionally or like mentally i’m not ashamed of myself but that’s how doctors make me feel idk it’s v hard to explain good luck? im sending nice thoughts to u idk if it will help
Something I struggle with which kind of relates to blogging is the temptation to make vague statements about ultra personal things to make myself seem more in whatever way and less in whatever way than just putting myself there and giving other people the opportunity to take it however they like. Just saying this is what I did today, this is how I feel about this, this is what I am feeling today, this is who I am as a person rather than saying too much and at the same time not enough (too much in the wrong way) and running away or hiding behind things. It’s the brave thing to do to just put yourself out there how you are and not try to alter other people’s perception of you because it’s not possible. I have tried and failed to do this 100+ times but I feel like this is the first time I’ve been able to put the idea into words and so maybe that means something?
Another idea is replacing my own self with other people’s opinions of myself. I think Tumblr (and most places where large groups of people are kind of vulnerable) encourages this idea of you’re not beautiful until someone tells you they think you’re beautiful, you’re not smart until someone tells you they think you’re smart. It’s more like well I’m beautiful and you’re beautiful and everyone else is so what is wrong with you to make you think I’m not beautiful? Getting past the idea that people have their own ideas of beauty that aren’t shaped by other things and nothing is “personal preference” but if you don’t think I am beautiful then what is your idea of beauty and why should it matter to me? I am insecure enough to replace my own thoughts, feelings, opinions with other people’s and I have to stop it right now
yeah i rlly relate i was trying to think what i meant by “feeling :/ towards my dash” like what :/ means n i googled isolated n resentful n neither of them made sense but i think “unfairly resentful” is the best i could phrase it outside of :/ n i think it has to do with me feeling influenced by the ppl on my dash n it being unavoidable like how i express n present myself changing n it seeming out of my control even though it’s not idk the “i have tried n failed to do this 100+ times’ bit is what i relate to most but i think i’ve gotten better idk